Woman Can NOT Live By Man ALoNe!

These guys are real stiffs!

These guys are real stiffs!

I am constantly telling Big Daddy “You NEVER listen to what I am telling you!” I am not the only one. I hear my girlfriends telling me and each other the same thing. After having one of our my frustrating conversations where I was saying something VERY IMPORTANT about how I wish I had this really cute outfit to wear and Big Daddy’s response was something about the STUPID Nascar race that was on I, once again, said “You NEVER listen to what I am telling you!”. He gave me the MOST important bit of information he could have ever said…”It’s because you have SO much to  say”. You know what? At that very moment I got it!

We are women, we have a LOT of things to say to one another AND every wee bit of it IS important! Life altering, you might say. For this reason, we need each other. It starts when we are little girls. We share secrets with our cats, our dolls, our sisters. As teenagers, we share our secrets with our BFF, our teachers, our coaches. As women we share our secrets with our girlfriends, our mothers….our daughters. As maturing women we have decided that anyone and everyone should hear what we have to say. People in line at the grocery store, the doctors office, the bozo in the car next to us in stopped traffic who mistakenly looked our way.

As a young wife, my Nana told me something that ALL Mothers / Grandmothers should tell their daughters…”Never tell anyone, other than your girlfriend, when you and your husband are having a rough time”. Why? you ask. Because two days after your “fight” with Big Daddy, you are back in love with him (because he properly made things right). All that your co-workers / casual friends / the lady in the doctors office  remember is what a jerk he was.

I am THE most fortunate girlfriend ever! MY girlfriends are married to the same man I am. They completely understand how I feel and what I go through. They also know how incredibly in love I am with Big Daddy and how important he is to me. Thankfully, they feel the same about their Big Lugs as I do!

Seriously! Who marries these men? Oh Wait! We do!

Seriously! Who marries these men? Oh Wait! We do!

Our conversations go something like this “Umm hmmm girl, I know what you mean!”, “Oh NO he did nnnt!”, “WHAT! Seems like he’d learn from the last time!”, “I like your new ring!”. See, most stories have a happy ending girlfriend!

If I could share one secret with you today, other than surround yourself with great girlfriends who are like minded, it would be “Just do what you want to do”.  Think about that for a second……

Start small. You have been telling Big Daddy you need a new outfit. As your girlfriend, I would say “Don’t ask him, make it about him”. Save your money, find what you want on sale and after your shower one night just come out of the bathroom dressed in the new outfit you got for him. My sister wanted a new fridge. She complained for years about that stupid fridge (that worked perfectly, by the way). If you want something like that that bad, you should have it…at least that is what I have always thought. My suggestion to her was…Just do it! Ask around… Do any of your friends need a nice fridge for their garage or to replace theirs? Are there any friends who have the type of fridge you want for sale?  No, start saving for the amount it would cost for the new fridge, find it on sale, sell yours, have it replaced one day before Big Daddy got home. Tell him how you could put all the desserts you made him in it or how much money it is going to save you in electricity.  It works this way for pretty much anything. A trip you want to take, Date Night Out, Jewelry, Shoes, you name it.

Trust me when I say “They don’t want to think about it”, How proud of you do you think he will be if he comes home and it is taken care of? You saved how much? How amazing are you for saving that much or arranging it without taking away from anything else. Need some ideas….Just ask your girlfriend!


Calm Before The Storm

This, my dear, is the calm before the storm! It is not always pleasant to think about, just like a bad storm on the horizon, it is brewing.

The calm before the storm is usually the most beautiful

I have a motto I live by that says “Everyone is allowed their day”. YOU, my Dear, are aloud to wake up and be the biggest..biatchachos! You get the entire day! Gripe, fuss, stomp your feet! This day is YOURS! But that is it! One day and move on! There is going to be the day that your Big Daddy wakes up grouchy as EVER! For NO apparent reason or for many reasons. You need to have a plan. Trust me when I say a plan now is necessary to survive this storm and still remain friends.

One sure way to prepare for this storm is to think about anything that can be used against you. “That sliding glass door stays so dirty, why don’t you ever clean it? Have you called Blah Blah Blah? I have asked you all week to take care of it!” or my ALL time favorite “Why don’t we have any ????” Now, you know, he doesn’t EVER eat or use the ????? and has prob just decided right this minute that he wants it OR has gone through EVERYTHING in the house and that is the ONLY thing you don’t have. The beauty of this type of preparation is that these are most likely the very same things that are bothering you too. If you play your cards right you won’t even have to take care of what ever it is. He is in a good mood now, Sweetly suggest or ask him to take care of it and it will be one less thing to worry about when you are hunkering down for the storm.

How did this get here?!?! That is one sexy donkey lobster Big Daddy has there!

How did this get here?!?! That is one sexy donkey lobster Big Daddy has there!

Don’t be silly and think I am suggesting you walk around on egg shells thinking the bottom is going to fall out at any moment! What I am saying is that a bit of prep now will make your life much easier. What is my secret? If he just happens to be in the middle of a rant, is having trouble gathering his emotional control, do just one thing….The Flash!

That’s right! Just stand there, straight faced and lift your shirt! Let your milkshake bring this boy to the yard! Men are painfully predictable, use this to your advantage. He may blink a bit and even shake his head but he will have forgotten what ever it is that is bothering him. Sometimes we need to be “shaken” out of our moods and a wee bit of pleasant distraction will do the trick.

Little things like making him breakfast to go if he is running late, an envelope with a pair of your cute panties inside and a “there is more where this came from” note on the seat of his car, coming home to a clean house, pow wow with the kids and let them know Big Daddy had a hard day so let’s behave or we will sell you to gypsies talk (if this works remember to use it for your day next time!) will help the storm to blow over.

I want you to remember that when you take care of him, you take care of yourself too. Set a little table up just for the two of you. Drinks, snacks, maybe a fun little picture set out. Take a break before dinner, you needed one anyhow. Think of something funny to tell him from your day or just listen. Sometimes we need to just “say what we have to say” and it is over with.

If all else fails….Make him the best darn meal of his life, follow it up with a freakin’ awesome dessert and send him to bed fat and happy! Tomorrow will be a better day!

Sour patch kids cupcakes are perfect to bring ....who am I kidding? Cupcakes are just plain PERFECT!

Sour patch kids cupcakes are perfect to bring ….who am I kidding? Cupcakes are just plain PERFECT!

My prayers are with you girl!


Stupid Stuff He Said This Week…

I have always told Big Daddy, “What men say and what women hear are two different things”. After an incredibly stupid statement, I decided to keep track of a few key “stupid stuff” this week just to give you an example.

What he said was : “You can’t even dress this bathroom up and hang a towel on the bar”.

What I heard was : You never bother to clean this bathroom, even something as simple as hanging a towel on the bar!”

What he meant was : Allie Sparkles (our spunky 24 year old daughter with special needs) keeps her bathroom dirty and it doesn’t even get the towels put out to dress it up. (I know this because I asked him)

Allie Sparkles, she shines...she is a lot of work

Allie Sparkles, she shines…she is a lot of work

What was actually happening : Big Daddy NEVER goes on Allie Sparkles’ side of the house and doesn’t see that she ALWAYS keeps it neat and tidy. I just happen to be doing a deep cleaning and had things strewn all over the counter and the towels in the floor along with the dirty clothes from her bedroom.

What was going to happen : Dripping with sweat and the smells of cleaner, I stood up with toilet brush in hand ready to strike and give him the “What for!!!”

What he should have said (according to all my close girlfriends, I know…because I asked!) : “Wow! You sure are working hard in here, I bet if Allie Sparkles kept her bathroom straight and dressed it up you wouldn’t have to work SO hard.” 

How did it end ? I stood up with toilet brush in hand, dripping with sweat, smelling like bathroom cleaner with toothpaste in my hair and smiled. I TOLD HIM… “Honey, it never looks like this, she keeps it pretty neat. I am just doing a bit of deep cleaning, didn’t you see me doing this to our bathroom a few minutes ago?!?!” Smile and wink!

Sometimes they need that! Oh the things I could have done with that toilet brush!

Seriously, I think Big Daddy has a knack for these things…There is more!

What he said was : “Hey, That is only a 52″ screen”

What I heard was : “You are SO fat that I can’t even see the television screen”

What was actually happening : I was getting dressed for the day IN A REALLY CUTE DRESS, He was laying down, watching the stupid news and wasn’t listening to what I was telling him (something important I am sure). So, I ran over, jumped on the bed and sat on top of him. He just leaned over to look around me to continue watching television.

What was going to happen : I have two major rules, NEVER call me fat or old! I was in a perfect position to clobber him!

What he should have said : “You sure look cute this morning, what can I do for you today?”

We all know where the cake is going anyhow!

We all know where the cake is going anyhow!

How did it end ? I smooched him up and said “I was trying to tell you something important, do you want me to wait here while you finish your show or do you want to hear it now?” Wouldn’t you know, he let me tell him what was SO important and he got to finish his program!

Just this morning there was yet another statement I could consider “stupid stuff”.

What he said was : “You always make your job harder, Why didn’t you just steam my shirts along with yours”.

Now, does this look like the type of man who NEVER gets his shirts steamed? Think NOT!

Now, does this look like the type of man who NEVER gets his shirts steamed? Think NOT!

What I heard was : “You are not very smart, why couldn’t you have steamed all the shirts together”.

What was actually happening : I wake up very early and try to get all my quiet “chores” done before everyone wakes up. I love my morning times alone! This morning I was up at 5:30am folding clothes and steaming them. (Huge tip BTW, steam/iron clothes as soon as they are out of the dryer, saves you tons of time later and it is actually easier). He got up a bit later and didn’t see what I had done. I steamed all of the clothes together but was putting mine away first. He DIDN’T see his shirts and ASSUMED that they weren’t done, which NEVER happens!

What was going to happen : It took two milliseconds for me to come up with a mental scenario where I took all of his shirts, threw them out the back door, let the dogs trample them and hung them up in the closet…dirty!

What he should have said : “I have a shirt I picked out to wear today, if you don’t get to mine I don’t mind doing them later” (even if he had NO intention of doing them! The comment alone would warrant me wanting to do them after such a sweet statement.)

How did it end ? After a little chuckle to myself I smiled and said ” Darling, Do you think I would do my shirts without thinking of you first” (Cheesy I know! But I think it got my point across in a way that he understood). Besides, I did feel much better after the mental pic of him seeing his shirts dirty, hanging in the closet. Hee! Hee! Note : if you are from the south you would know that “Darling” is not always used in a sweet, adoring way even if it sounds that way.

I know you don’t have all day for me to list EVERYTHING Big Daddy said this week that I considered to be listed under the “stupid stuff” category so I will just list the highlights. Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up!

He said “What did you do with my shoes?” I was thinking… Well, after I wore them today I put them…. WHAT?

He asked “What’s for dinner tonight? I said “I planned for us to have Lasagna, NO? Okay, what about Taco Salad…NO? Would you like Burgers? hhhmmmm NO? Meatloaf?!?! What do you want to have?” and what do you think he said ? “I don’t know, figure something out”. SERIOUSLY!

My all time favorite …… “Just how much weight have you gained?” THESE ARE FIGHTING WORDS AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED!!!!!

What is the secret? Consider the source, They can’t help it AND when in doubt just smile and wink. It is far easier to recover from that than an hour fighting about what you think he said! Trust me!

Love the man! I do!

I bet, if you tried “real” hard you could come up with something too…..

It Smells Good + Looks Good = It MUST Be Good!

Let’s just say….For the sake of argument….you have been at the pool ALL day with your girlfriends because the weather has been SSOOO stinkin’ nice while your Big Daddy has been slavin’ away at work. You just happen to notice the time and the fact that you are out of something really great to drink because your girlfriends have finished off your cooler, note to self: bring more “cooler action”.

Holy Schnikes! Big Daddy is going to be home in less than an hour and I …I mean you haven’t done a thing (Stupid Florida sunshine and beautiful days!) ! NO straightening of the house, NO dinner plans, NO clean clothes, etc…. What ever is a girl to do? Well, you have come to the right place!

Apparently, I have been doing this for quite a few years. My poor children will tell you we have PERFECTED the 10 second tidy. Before you scoff and “turn me off” thinking “What? another way to organize your house deal”. No such thing. This is a tried and true method to get you out of trouble FAST! Heck! I even use it in place of working out at the gym for hours like my stupid, really in shape and gorgeous girlfriends do.

Take care of immediate probs first, things you can see. Bedroom, Bathroom, Kitchen, Floors,  YOU are the key areas. Quick grab a laundry basket to throw things in and put away later as well as a garbage bag. Start with your bedroom – it is the first place he will go to to throw his shoes in the floor. Make the bed, pick up the dirty clothes, throw the garbage in your bag. Next the bathroom – guys are generally painfully predictable. Squirt some toilet blow cleaner in the bowl/give it a  and give it a quick swirl with the brush, spray down cabinets / sink with anything that smells good and wipe off. Empty the can (in your handy dandy bag you are carrying. Throw anything you can into a drawer or put under the cabinet. Vacuum the room.

Kitchen Next – Make sure his favorite drink is nice and chilly! Throw him a drink in the fridge / freezer (if he is a beer guy) This will win you BIG, HUGE points if you don’t already do this and takes away from anything you didn’t do that you should have done! Clean out the dishwasher / load the dishwasher, Clear off the counter tops , spray and wipe down quickly with anything good and smelly. Vacuum the floors.

Throw in a load of laundry + sound effects = I have been working all day getting the house cleaned AND he will have clean “drawers” tomorrow cuz’ he didn’t have any this morning which is why you were all worried about the house in the first place when you left the pool, remember!

YOU – Jump in the shower , wash off all the tan lotion. You will want to get rid of ANYTHING that says you were at the pool. Sorry, I don’t have any fix for the beautiful tan you got today, you can use this to your advantage though! After you rinse off and throw on something cute, you are going to look mighty sexy making dinner with your BEAUTIFUL new tan, sexy outfit (the first thing you saw in your closet) and a frosty beverage for him. Don’t forget to squirt – I love that word! on something smelly yourself – it says “I have taken the time to get dressed for you”. Bwahahahahah!

Run to the fridge and throw something on the stove. This is where it gets a bit tricky! You have options though! Option 1 – Leftovers – You have to have a story to go along with it ESPECIALLY if he really didn’t like it the first time ’round. “I thought we’d have blah, blah, blah tonight so we can get to bed early, I have been thinking of you ALL day!” or “Oh Geez!, long day, thought we would have an easy dinner so we could watch (his favorite show / movie) together” both work well. Option 2 – Freezer action – grab something out of the freezer and throw it into the oven – even if it is not preheated – It will be smelling SOOO good as he comes through the door. It is going to take a LONG time for dinner to get ready so be prepared to spend some “quality” time with him taking away from the fact your frozen dinner is STILL in the oven. YOU HAVE TO COME UP WITH A QUICK appetizer while you guys are spending “quality” time together so he won’t get grouchy from hunger. Now this is key….set the table! Appearances are everything! Again – a set table = I have planned something great for you. Bwahahahah! Sorry I keep laughing!


Do you see a trend? If it smells good, looks good, it MUST be good!

BIG, HUGE SECRET : If you plan on going to the pool today do your 10 second tidy and take something out for dinner first!

Happy Tuesday!

So Easy Even A Monkey Can Do It!

Listen to me now, even if you have never listened to me before! When your man speaks these words GRAB THE CAMERA! Right then and there!

Big Daddy bought a satellite dish for his motor home. When he brought it home, opened it up and spread it all over my counter I politely asked if I could help him put it together. “No!, It’s so easy even a monkey could do it!” was his response. I just stood there, looking at him in amazement thinking “GRAB THE CAMERA! QUICK!” I didn’t, of course (because I certainly would have shared something that awesome!). I did, however, keep an eye on the situation. When he got to the point they all get to when they don’t read the directions and can’t proceed further, I asked “Why don’t you look at the directions?”  AND what do you think he said? “WHAT! Don’t you think I would! There aren’t any!” Huh? I can’t imagine a part that costs that much NOT having directions! SOOOO, as soon as he left the room I picked up the top of the box, removed the directions and put them on my desk. Two days later he was still working on the silly thing. (It was a “jacked up” hot mess!) I slipped out, fixed the brace (cuz I read the directions and knew how to do it) and up it went, in just a couple of minutes!!!!

Now, I know there are lots of “wifely” tips in my little story but that isn’t what this is about! Keep your camera handy, that’s all I’m saying! You’ll get your chance!

Yes! That is MY Big Daddy harassing some poor, defensive, tourist he doesn't know! Monkey Boy!

Yes! That is MY Big Daddy harassing some poor, defensive, tourist he doesn’t know! Monkey Boy!

Room Service

You would think there is nothing but “Lovin’ goin’ on round here” with TWO posts about “Date Night” in a row. Truth is I am an ALL or nothing girl. This is both good for Big Daddy and Bad! This just happens to be a good week, lucky him! Next week he will be “all fat and happy”!

Room Service...OOOH and I get to show off my new comforter set! What do you think?

Room Service…OOOH and I get to show off my new comforter set! What do you think?

I try to keep things fun. Tonight is a “Room Service” kind of night. Who doesn’t love room service, right? For Father’s Day I made Big Daddy a little room service sign and stuck it on the door to the bedroom. I think he had as much fun reading his choices as he did the actual “Date”. To be honest, I had as much fun making it as I did giving it……

What is on tonight's menu? Scuba Steve? The game is going to start in 10 minutes? Dessert first?

What is on tonight’s menu? Scuba Steve? The game is going to start in 10 minutes? Dessert first?

It has kind of been a running joke since he has received the room service card to come up with fun ideas. Scuba Steve, I think, is his favorite. I AM REFERRING TO THE CARD CHOICE, IN THIS INSTANCE! Let’s NOT go there!

It was really easy to make. Just some card stock, wasabi tape, and a printer. Heck! You don’t even need the printer! Just jot down a few fun ideas and hang it on the door. Why not take a few fun pics and give him an idea of what you would suggest?!?!  Just be prepared to offer the “services” you place in the card. Don’t limit yourself either. Offer desserts, to do his laundry, coffee delivered to his bedside, for him to rub your feet, Bring you cupcakes in bed, (oops! those were for me!) ….

I had my idea then decided to search Pinterest (don’t you know I am not the only crafty babe alive, Darn it!) I actually found you a FREE printable and other ideas to add. http://www.thedatingdivas.com/romantic-rendezvous/room-service-a-romantic-gift/

Of course, when you tell your girlfriends, over a couple bottles of wine, you get this:

Moby Dick, Angry Oyster, Lollipop tomorrow, No thanks!, Spanky pants, The never ending story, Milk shakes in the yard, Hump Day, Cowgirl Jiney, Monkeys in a barrel…

Which also leads to the WORST dateline EVER …… “Wake up little fellar”, or my ALL time favorite “What’s that smell?”

What kind of services would you provide for “Date Night”?

I guess the secret is out!


“Date Night”!!!!

I am the SEXIEST wife EVEAH! At least that is what I tell myself. Big Daddy usually just laughs and tells me I am silly. It takes silly, RIGHT! Wait! Can silly still be sexy? Oh Geez! I am confused!


I was joking with my girlfriend about it being “Date Night” tonight and she asked where we were going. “Oh no, we don’t actually go anywhere” was my response. We both just looked at each other with smirks on our faces, clearly not thinking of the same thing. I was wondering why Big Daddy and I don’t actually go anywhere for “Date Night” and I am sure she was wondering what they would do if they didn’t actually go anywhere for “Date Night”. Hmmm…things to ponder.

Now Men, I have a secret to share with you that I promise your Mama ain’t going to tell you! Do not, under any circumstances go to your wife after she has been cleaning house all day, running around crazy, has her arms elbow deep in dish water and announce that tonight is “Date Night”!  She is NOT thinking any sexy thoughts! Not then! Not later! and probably NOT tomorrow either!  DO however, Do exactly what Big Daddy did this morning!!! We got up early, had coffee on the back porch and before I got up to start my very busy day offered to buff and rub lotion on my feet. Now, before you go thinking that sounds girly, I have to tell you that Big Daddy is the  MANLIEST MAN EVER! The payoff…When he came to me after cleaning house ALL day, running around crazy, me with my arms elbow deep in dish water and whispered in my ear that it is “Date Night” all I could think was…Ooohh what am I going to wear.

Ladies, I have two secrets to share with you. when it comes to “Date Night” you have two options.While I love “Date Night” as much as the next gal, some days you just aren’t feeling it.

Now, you can do one of two things. Option 1 ~ Make him the MOST wonderful meal of his life! Start off with a little homemade jalapeno poppers (I will share the recipe with you on another post coming soon), make a great salad with lots of onions, serve him a hot, cheesy, bubbly homemade lasagna, garlic bread. Send him away from the table with a drink and “allow” him to watch television for a bit while you clean up (he needs to rest a few for the next step), Slip away into the bedroom and fold down the bed / fluff the pillows and spritz with the sleep spray from Bath and Body works (great stuff), put his jammies out for his shower and suggest he go ahead and get his shower. Afterwards, wait till he is good and settled in watching tv again and offer him a dish of warm, cinnamony, sugary, buttered monkey bread or ooey gooey cookies or hot cherry pie with vanilla ice cream. You offer to take the dishes and put them away, take your time getting your shower, enjoy a bit of dessert and I PROMISE that man will be sawing logs before you can make it to the bed. Either that or be SSSOOOO miserably full he isn’t thinking of ANYTHING except how wonderful you are for taking such good care of him. AND who wants to be kissing on someone with oniony, garlicy breath anyhow.  I know, you love me!

Option 2 ~  Your Big Daddy is going to come to you and announce that tonight is “Date Night”. You are going to think “WHAT?!?! I am standing here with my arms elbow deep in freakin’ dish water, stinkin’ from cleaning house all day, my hair is a mess, I have tomato sauce on my jammy shirt that I haven’t had a chance to change out of from this morning and you want WHAT!!!! That boy has a screw loose!” This is what you should do… Give him a sly little smile and tell him you were thinking the SAME thing! Throw together your favorite light meal, make everyone help clean the kitchen while you slip away and put on some music in the bedroom , put the kiddos to bed early, offer to shower with him and make him wash every last bit of the day off you, after your shower ask him to get you a glass of water to drink while you throw back the covers of the bed , spritz the pillows with that cologne of his you can’t get enough of, dress in something that makes you feel sexy and be waiting when he returns. Trust me on this when I say that you’d be surprised how quick it is before you are relaxing, reading your favorite blog while that man is raiding the kitchen for something to snack on because he was SSSOOO excited to hear you agree that he just had a salad for dinner. NO onions included! I know, you love me!

Besides, he DID buff and lotion up your feet this morning and you LOVED it! Let me know how it goes!

Happy Dating!
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